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Douche-To-Success Ratio: More Important Than Not

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Shooter "McGavin" Jennings

We don’t really think Shooter is a douche, but we do think this picture of him is the perfect visual aid for this post.

Being a musician with even a moderate level of success comes with baggage. People start hitting you up constantly, recognizing you in public, bugging you for autographs and pictures, the list goes on. All of these things can be really, really annoying and disrupt your daily routine.

There is a solution- it’s called being a douche.

As soon as you flip the switch and start building your reputation as a douche, you’ll begin to notice certain changes in your life. Common folk no longer approach you as they once did, leaving you free to associate strictly with celebrities and other douches. But that’s not even the best part: the peasants that approach you do so only to grovel at your feet, shower you with complements and strike up conversation about your all-time favorite topic: You.

Picture this: You’re at a party, enjoying a few drinks and tantalizing a small audience with a witty anecdote about something that recently happened to you, most likely while residing in or visiting Los Angeles. You have their full attention, and they’re ready to believe anything you say, so you decide to jazz up some of the details and fudge some numbers to make you and your story seem all the more interesting. Maybe you even name-drop famous people you’ve met in the past, but have nothing to do with the story you’re currently telling, they won’t know the difference because you are on a whole different level from them, and they will never in this lifetime get to experience the things you experience.

There are a few important things to remember if you wish to maintain a professional douche status.

1. Always assume everyone is interested in you. 11 times out of 12, you’re the most interesting person in the room, so start acting like it.

2. If someone isn’t interested in what you have to say, they are actually faking it because of incomprehensible jealousy. Feel free to keep the conversation going and really rub it in.

3. Every now and then you’ll start talking to someone who’s never heard of you. Don’t panic, just name-drop until you mention someone they have heard of, and talk about your association with them.

4. Some of the world’s top douches are actually far more subtle than other, lesser douches. This isn’t really anything that can be taught so much as learned from experience, so start experimenting and find a balance that suits your new douche lifestyle.

5. Practice your techniques by wearing a scarf and frequenting all of the hippest bars and nightclubs in town. Modify your route each night so superfans can’t track your movements. Check-in on Facebook ahead of time, so even if something important comes up at the studio or whatever and you don’t end up making it out to the spot, your fans and friends (which are really just fans in disguise) will show up and think they just missed you.

6. You’ll find yourself telling lots of stories about yourself. As soon as yours ends, someone else might start telling a story about themselves. You must never let this happen, lest you relinquish your spotlight which you so rightfully earned. Quickly grab a few key words from their first sentence, and cut them off with another story about you using those same key words. It doesn’t even matter if the story is true or not, others will assume it is- the whole point is to remain the focal point of the conversation so people know how important you are in your realm, and by proxy, life itself. If the person starts telling a story about their drummer, interject with factoids about how you used to play drums. If they are talking about their first tour coming up, start talking about your first tour and how long ago it was.

7. EVERY social setting is a chance to either impress people, or network with other douches higher on the social chain of command. Seize your opportunity and don’t let it pass you by!

You will begin to recognize doucheness in others as you yourself develop into a full-fledged douche. This is is an important thing to consider if you’re looking to get your band signed to a bigger label. If you’re chillin at a hip bar and happen to notice someone ELSE being douchey, there’s a good chance they are A&R for Sony or Universal and are out scoping the scene looking for the next big thing. Which is so obviously you, because of your current level of success your band has reached due to the hard work you’ve been putting in, and also the rate at which you impress people at parties.



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